


The Art of Distractions

by MissesWallard



Category: Eurovision Song Contest RPF, Festival di Sanremo RPF
Genre: AU where Ermal never became an artist, Dark Thoughts, Ermal is a little shit with problems, I think?, I will update tags when they become relevant, Just in general, M/M, Music helps everything, PTSD, Panic attacks related to PTSD, Seeing shadows of a haunting past, Strangers to Lovers, i don't even know what this is
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-05-21 21:23:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14923097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissesWallard/pseuds/MissesWallard
Summary: Alternate Universe where Ermal never became an artist, he still loves music and it helps him cope with his past.Writers Note: Hiatus. I'm sorry about that. But I will try to get back to this when I have inspiration for this story again.





	1. Irritation

"You should preform this Friday! I’ve heard you sing, you’re really good!" The brunette (what was her name again? Tina? Tiana? he doesn’t remember) had been at it for a while and he was starting to get annoyed, can’t she take the hint?!  
He put on his best smile and answered her "I’m not that good. So I should just skip it and even if I wanted to I have to work for the whole evening." he was only lying a little, he did have to work that day. But they take on extra staff because of the open mic night.

"Aaaww, come oon Ermal!"

"No, the more you pester me about it the less I actually want to do it. So stop it before you kill my interest in music all together." he said still with his sweetest smile.

If she doesn’t leave it soon he will get really irritated. Ever since she heard him quietly sing a song while doing dishes she has just been adamant about him entering the stupid open mic night. God damn she was annoying…

"I have work to do, excuse me." Ermal pushed past the girl and walked out into the café to take customers orders, he switched his smile to a slightly smaller smile, still classy and less creepy.

"Welcome! May I take your order?" "Are you finished with that plate?" "Here you go sir/madam."  
It’s become such a boring routine by now. At least he was earning money.

 

Things were uneventful for the next few days.

The brunette (who apparently was Maria, he was completely off. But to be honest he didn’t really care that much.) continued to pester him about singing at the open mic night, he kept saying no and continuing to work like nothing happened.

After the third day in a row of pestering he gave in, he was so tired of this shit. He continued to work.  
He was grumpier than usual that evening when he came home.

"Are you okay Ermal? I can feel your irritation all the way from here."

"No I’m not okay mother.. Maria, you know the irritating woman at work, pestered me into joining the open mic night at the café."

"Oh, well that’s going to be fun for you then!"

"I love you with all my heart mother, but sometimes.." he bit his tongue, deciding against letting his irritations out on his beloved mother.

She heard him and begin to laugh about it.

"Have you found an apartment yet?"

"What you want me to leave that bad mother?" he answered with a grin

"No, but you cannot continue to live here, you need to move out sooner or later. Your siblings have all left already, and why haven’t you?"

"I can’t leave you alone! You don’t know what could happe-"

"You don’t have a reason do you, son?"

Ermals eyes widened at that, his mother was usually not that forward about things.

"……no I don’t." He went up and gave his mother a hug "I’ll help you with dinner."

"Okay. You cut up vegetables for dinner. And don’t cut yourself this time!" Ermal smiled at that (God he loved his mother)

"I’ll try not to mother!"

They spent most of the evening together preparing food and just talking. It was always something that was so nice about talking to your parent.  
Eventually they had to go to bed and Ermal went up to his room so he could change into some more comfortable clothes, went to the bathroom to brush his teeth and try to comb through his mess that people call hair. He only tries to do this once every week or so, sometimes it’s just impossible.  
This time went well though.

With his newly "combed" hair, he was ready for bed when he remembered his guitar that was leaning agains his bedside table.  
He stood just inside his door and just looked at it for a while (maybe this open mic thing wasn’t such a bad thing after all), he walked over and picked up his guitar and began quietly strumming a melody he’s had in his head for a while.

"Resta da me, c’è un vento gelido, eclettico.." He keeps strumming the melody and just looses himself in the music for a long time. He has always loved music, he can feel like it is his calling.

But he can’t take the risk of pursuing it, he couldn’t leave his mother alone after everything that has happened to them..

He stopped strumming at that thought.

He stopped strumming and stared at a part of his room, he stared at the pattern of the wallpaper and started thinking back.  
Back to when everything hurt, back when he just wanted to run away, back when he just wanted his mother to be happy.  
They were happy now, but that didn’t make the past hurt any less..

He shook his head (can’t think about this now) and grabbed the slightly crumpled up piece of paper that rested on his bedside table and read through it again.  
He really liked the text.  
It seemed like a happy song that his mother would enjoy.  
He filled out another part, who knows he might even finish this song before the open mic night.

Sleep took a long time to arrive that night. Dark thoughts plagued his mind, this always happened when he remembered that time.  
When he eventually got rest, it was weary, restless and would not help with the shadows under his eyes.


	2. Dark

The next morning came with sunlight in his eyes.

 

Oh this day is going to be _great!_

 

 _Just what he needed_ , he sat up and rubbed his eyes and got up to get some water.

He got the bottle out of the fridge and took a large swig of water (okay first and foremost, a shower).

While in the bathroom he caught a glimpse at himself in the mirror _,_ he stopped and took in what he saw.

His pale skin, his thin arms, his hair that stood in every possible way it could but somehow also made sense, his eyes. Brown almost black, surrounded by dark circles that told their own story.

He reached up and touched the dark circles, it’s interesting how the body works, one second everything is fine and the next you look like someone hit you in the face. And all of those outcomes can be for the same reason.

 

"Anyway, let’s get this day started." he mumbled to himself as he looked away from the mirror and walked to the shower.  
  
When he was done he made sure to not look in the mirror, couldn’t let himself drag down his own mood this early in the day.

He had the lunch shift at work today and he was not really looking forward to that fact.

Choosing clothes was always fun for him, even if he couldn’t wear them at work, it was still fun to express himself in that way.

 

He eventually picked out a white shirt, a pair of tight jeans, a leather jacket, a bead necklace and to top it off, his round glasses (that he didn’t need, but he liked wearing them), he then remembered that he needs breakfast.

So he went down and ate something, looked at the clock, 10:30, (well it’s better to be early than late) he got up and began making his way out of the house when his mother stopped him.  
  
"Ermal.." She cupped his face so she could trace the dark circles under his eyes.

 

"I’m fine mother, don’t you worry about it. I love you and I’ll see you in a few hours." he gave her his most convincing smile, kissed her on the forehead and began making his way into Bari.  
  
  
He did indeed get to work early, an hour before his shift started. He decided to go into the back to grab a cup of coffee and then walk out to sit down at one of the tables and look at his co-workers run by. It was humorous in a way.

He was enjoying his coffee and thinking about the song he’s been writing for the last few weeks..

 

"There you are Ermal!" Maria had stopped by his table and stood there with her hands on her hips.

 

"Hello Maria. Hope you aren’t here to pester me more about the open mic night." He took a sip of his coffee, it warmed his torso.

 

"Hmpf, no I was about to inform you that your shift starts in 30 minutes and-"

"I know that my shift starts in 30 minutes, do you really think that I can’t read a clock?"

She looked hurt by that comment, but within seconds that look was gone and she was back to smiling politely.

 

"You just looked so stuck in your own head that I wanted to help you out a little bit."

 

"If you say so. I will not be late for my shift when my work is literally 10 meters away. But thank you for the sentiment."

 

Her eyes flashed with irritation, Ermal didn’t really notice it because his coffee was getting cold and he would like to drink it before that happened.

A few seconds later he found himself alone with his coffee and thoughts again.

Which was nice.

 

He continued to take in his surroundings again, he haven’t gotten a good look at this place for a while, being busy with work does that to you.

He looked from the entrance that was covered in windows that let a lot of sunlight in during this time of day, the light beams stretched along the smooth dark wood floor for around 5 meters.

 

He followed the light up the cream colored walls and his eyes fell on some art pieces (Probably fake, this place wouldn’t have the money for the originals. They are still gorgeous pieces of art) then his eyes began to wander up the walls towards the ceiling and the lamps that hang there for when they are open late enough for the sun to go down.

His gaze went from the lamps down to the tables again, on their way down he noticed that it was around 10 minutes left until his shift started (Might as well go and get ready).

 

"Took you long enough!" Maria commented when he came into the back to change into his work clothes.

 

"Relaxing is nice, you know." He said back while having a very neutral face, almost looking bored already.

 

Maria rolled her eyes and went back to work, while Ermal took his clothes to the changing room/toilet in the back of the kitchen.

When he came back out again he was not as snazzy as he was before but he wouldn’t want to spill anything on his clothes (Or have someone else spill it on them, that would probably be worse).

 

A few hours later Ermal is _dying_ to catch a break, he probably should’ve eaten lunch when he had those 10 minuets between customers that one time… Well can’t do anything about it now.

He has tried to keep his curls out of his face, but they are now partly stuck to his forehead, due to a mix of sweat, stress and heat from the kitchen and he does not like it.

 

Ermal stops another one of the waiters and asks him to take over for a maximum of 5 minutes, nodding the waiter went to serve another customer.

 

Opening the door to the slightly cramped bathroom was like finally being able to breathe (he really needed more breaks), he leaned on the sink and decided to wash off his face with cold water, he shivered but it felt relaxing and like a nice contrast to his sweaty face.

 

_He really needed to eat something._

It was getting difficult to think clearly.

 

He looked up to grab paper so that he could dry off his face when he saw a shadow in the mirror, he froze.

 

He recognized that shadow… It should not be here…

 

He hesitated to turn around, fear had his hands glued to the sink and his eyes fixated to the shadow. His breathing quickened the longer he watched the shadow (Why wasn’t it moving? What was it here? **Why was HE here?!** ).

 

Then just like that it was gone.

 

He stood frozen, staring at the wall through the mirror in the bathroom at work, water still dripping from his curls, he didn’t notice the single tear that fell from the corner of his eye.

 

Around 40 seconds later he could finally release his death grip on the sink, his hands throbbed and felt really rigid..

 

He needed to breathe.. (In….Out….In….Out…In…Out… You can do this. He’s not here!)

 

Stumbling backwards until he could feel the wall hitting his back, he could finally breathe again. (In….Out….In…Out.. I need to get back to work.. They are going to wonder where I am)

 

He stood there for another minute, just breathing.

His hair was almost dry now and it could not mask his tears. He rubbed his eyes, went back to the sink and splashed himself with more water so he could hopefully fool people into thinking that he haven’t been spending the last (how long have I been in here?) crying in the bathroom, he shook his head water fell on the wall and mirror in front of him.

 

 He grabbed the paper without looking in the mirror this time and dried off his face, turned around and walked out the door.

 

He really should eat something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you for reading!  
> This is very fun, but I cannot promise a regular update schedule!  
> I am no writer and I will probably run into trouble sooner or later, but I will try and update this as often as I can (which can be anything between once a day to once every few months). Hope you understand! 
> 
> Anyway, thank you again and have a nice day! :)


	3. Stress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am having fun with this, so you are getting two chapters today!

The rest of the day went by in a blur.

 

He was operating on autopilot, he did his work but nothing registered.

Customers blurred together, but he managed to give them the correct things with a smile. Though it didn’t quite reach his eyes.

 

Someone stopped him, they said something, they were saying something.. "re you okay?"

(Oh, they were asking him something) "Ermal. Are you okay?"

He had to make his brain work as it should again.

 

He tried to make himself look as okay as he could, "Yes, I feel fine! Maybe a little tired, but okay." (That sounded like a believable answer right?)

 

"Are you sure? You haven’t eaten anything since you came here.."

 

"Oh.. I haven’t done that, have I?.."

 

"I can cover for you while you eat. And you can go home early today, it’s a wonder that you haven’t fucked up a single customers order while in that state!" the woman standing in front of him said (I must be in a worse state than I thought).

 

"Yeah, okay. Thank you."

 

She gave him a gentle smile and went back to work, he stood there for a second longer before remembering that he needed to eat.

He went and changed back to his normal clothes, (I need to get out of here, I need to breathe) he came out of the bathroom, still not looking in the mirror, and began making his way out.

 

He walked by his coworkers, almost bumping into one of them. He got to the door, opened it and "Ah!" he slammed the door into someones face. He stopped, didn’t really realize what he had done until the person moved their hand from their face.

 

"Oh my god, I’m so sorry! Are you okay?" (Holy shit, this is bad! Am I starting to completely loose it or am I just stupid!?)

 

"Yeah, I’m alright. It could’ve been worse." the person answered, giving Ermal a smile.

 

"Okay, I’m so sorry.. That was dumb of me.." Ermal answered and hung his head in shame, like he was 6 years old again and he had done something dumb.

  
"Yes it was but now you know that you maybe should look before you open a door!"

 

The person, still smiling, reached up and.. patted him on his head… (Does this person think that I am a child?! What in the actual fuck?!)

 

The person must’ve seen how Ermal stiffened and took their hand of his head.

 

"Ah, sorry. You just looked like my son when he had done something bad.. That was probably out of line.. Anyway, have a nice day!" The person waved at him and went inside the café.

 

(That person seems familiar.. Nah, it’s probably just me)

 

Ermal found a place to eat, when he sat down with his food his mind began functioning again.

It was like he woke up from a nap, that was a very weird feeling. (God I am a mess..)

 

He opened the door to his room, went over to the bed and just fell onto his bed. Today sucked!

God it sucked!

 

He glanced at the clock on his bedside table, 17:50… (The day isn’t even over yet.. Why wasn’t it over yet..?)

 

"Ermal." His mother called out while softly knocking on the door.

 

"I’m here mother." He sat up on his bed, she entered.

 

"You look like a mess bir." She said while walking up to the bed and sitting down beside her son.

 

"I feel like a mess, mother…" He answered while leaning his head on her shoulder, it was a little difficult because of their height difference, but it worked. He felt how his mother placed her hand on his head and started to comb his hair with her fingers.

 

He immediately started relaxing. They just sat like that in comfortable silence for what felt like an eternity and no time at all.

"Thank you mother.."

 

"You’re welcome bir."

 

"You know I love you right?" He looked up from her shoulder to give her a kiss on the cheek.

 

"Yes I know that bir, and I love you so... How are you Ermal? Don’t lie to me now."

 

He thought for a second… And he realized that he didn’t know how he felt..   
He really hadn’t thought about it for a long time. His life had just been going by without him really feeling anything.

 

"I’m okay mother, just haven’t been sleeping well these last few days." He emphasized the lie by rubbing his eyes and then letting his face fall into a soft smile.

 

She didn't seem to believe him, so he thought of a new plan.

 

He leaned over and picked up his guitar and started strumming the song he had been writing, after a little bit he started softly singing the parts he’s written.  
  
" _Resta da me, c’è un vento gelido, eclettico. Parliamo di amore a Amarcord._

_A volte capita la vita che ca in mezzo ad un traffico algebrico._

_Non puoi farci niente, solo attendere un po’._

 

_Gravita con me, gravita con me è l’amore che ci manca._

_Gravita con me, gravita con me preché è l’amore quello che ci salva._

 

Ermal was playing louder now, more confident than before.

 

_Questa città ha un ritmo ipnotico, chirurgico._

_Sincronizza con me ogni tuo singolo battito._

_Il tuo viso è di un bello isterico._

 

_Gravita con me, gravita con me è l’amore che ci manca._

_Gravita con me, gravita con me preché è l’amore quello che ci salva._

_Resta qui con me, resta qui perché rendiamo la vita meno cattiva._

_Gravita con me, gravita con me è l’amore che ci manca._

_Gravita con me, gravita con me preché è l’amore quello che ci salva._ "

 

When he finished singing his mother gave him an applause, he smiled a little embarrassed.

"You have a beautiful voice Ermal!" His mother complimented him while taking his hand in hers.

 

His smile widened at that and for the first time today the smile reached his eyes.

"Thank you mother."

 

She reached up and kisses him on his cheek and let's go off his hand. She then reached around him to give him a hug, Ermal happily hugged back.

 

"Now there is my Ermal! See how you’re smiling now…" she quietly said to him.

 

Ermal struggled to hold in the tears that threatened to fall from his eyes.

 

(God I love my mother with all of my heart!)

 

That night was the first one in a long time where he didn’t have any nightmares.


	4. Calm

He woke up, feeling rested. That’s weird, is this how people feel when they wake up? (Is this what you are supposed to feel when you wake up?)

 

Ermal turned around in bed, grabbed his phone to check the time, 07:50… (How the fuck am I rested?! Why did you wake me up now, body??) Welp, might as well get the day started!  
  
He got out of bed and straight to the closet to chose the days clothes.   
(Today is the open mic night… I don’t have to work until 15:00 today. You know what..)

He decided to put on a pair of baggy pants and a loose fitting t-shirt and just chill until like 12, he didn’t have to look presentable until then.

 

It’s also too early to be concerned about how you look.

He needed to eat something.

 

So he went downstairs and grabbed something in the fridge that he could make into food without requiring to cook it.

He made himself a cup of coffee when he finished eating and went to sit and drink it outside.

 

Sitting down on the steps he took a sip of his coffee, he felt the warm liquid run through his chest, feeling the wind play in his curls… It was relaxing… He have not felt this at peace for a long time.

Just sitting in the garden and relaxing, not thinking about the world outside of this little bubble he found himself in right now.

 

"ehmamnnm" Something was trying to get through his bubble.. "Ermalhmhm" There it was again.. He turned around to find his mother looking at him with soft eyes. (Oh she was trying to get my attention!) He smiled back at her.

 

"Yes mother?"

 

"I was just wondering when you were heading out today? Didn’t you say the open mic night was today?" She went over and sat down beside him and put an arm around his back.. That was also nice, he felt safe again..

 

"Yeah, it’s tonight at 18:00." he leaned his head on her shoulder again. This was really nice… (Could the rest of the day be like this, please) "We usually stay open for a few more hours and bake some cakes that we only serve on that night."

 

"That sounds like a fun event!" she smiled at him.

 

They sat like that for around 10 minutes until Ermals neck started hurting and he sat up and continued to drink his, now almost cold, coffee.

 

His mother got up and went back inside after a little bit. His mind was quiet… That was a first.. He watched the wind in the trees, listened to birds and insects…

Something was missing.

 

He got up and went to his room to get his guitar.

Ermal then sat down on the steps outside and started strumming a song, a song he knew very well.

A song that moved him a lot.

 

" _Avere l’impressione di restare sempre a punto di partenza… E chiudere la porta per lasciare il mondo fuori dalla stanza…"_

 

It was a sad song, but for some reason it made him happy when he sang it.

 

He finished the song with a smile on his lips. Ermal then decided that he would sing that song at the open mic night. (If I’m gonna have to do it, why not have some fun when I’m at it)

 

The day continued on in a lazy manner, it was the calmest Ermal has felt in a long time.

 

He eventually began to get ready for the evening, he would probably be the last one up on stage because he still had to work that evening, but that wouldn’t stop him from looking good.

 

Ermal eventually put on a black 3/4 shirt, black jeans, a long beaded necklace, like three different bracelets and a matte green jacket over it all. He went back and forth on wearing a scarf around his neck or not, he eventually decided against it.

 

Going into the bathroom to try his best to tame the wild beast that was his hair… This was going to take a while… He took some hair gel and ran it through his hair, pulling his fringe back over his head. It worked surprisingly well, he did not dare to touch it until it had dried and he could style it a little more.

 

He looked himself over in the mirror, he wasn’t looking too bad today. There was still the problem with his dark circles under his eyes… The bathroom lighting made him look like a skull with eyes… Heh… His hand lifted up to once again touch the skin under his eyes (I wonder if I can ever escape these? Is that even possible? Have I ever been without them?)…

 

He stood there in front of the mirror, just thinking…

 

His upper arm began to hurt.

 

Like someone had grabbed on to it and began squeezing it, really hard..

 

Ermal looked at his arm, there was no one there. Nothing was holding his arm. Why was it still hurting?

He tried to move his arm, it didn’t move and the pressure was still there.. He was starting to loose feeling in his arm.. (How the fuck?!! There’s NO ONE THERE!)

 

 _"I’m always here boy."_ Ermal jumped, the pressure disappeared.. 

He grabbed the sink and suddenly felt sick. (Okay, okay, okayokayokayokayokay..... okay....okay........I'm okay.......)

 

He needed to breathe.. (In…..Out…….In…….Out……….In……….Out…..)

 

"There in no one here." He whispered.

"He is not here. He can’t hurt me anymore." Whispers growing louder.

 **"He can’t hurt me anymore!"** He was now talking slightly louder than normal, he was determined to convince himself that it was true this time. It was starting to become more and more difficult to do.. (I need a smoke.)

 

His body started walking towards his room, almost hitting his shoulder against the doorframe.

His mind awakened slightly and walked him to a drawer beside his desk, opening it he took out a packet of cigarettes. Pocketing the cigarettes and a lighter he made his way outside, he wouldn’t want his room to smell like cigarette smoke.

 

Once outside he started to make his way around to the back of his house and leaned on the house while taking out and lighting one of the cigarettes. He breathed in letting the smoke and the nicotine enter his system, then he breathed out the smoke through his nostrils.

It relaxes him.

He knows that it’s not good for him.. But right now he doesn’t give a shit.

 

(And so it comes full circle.. Of course the happiness couldn’t last)

 

He eventually started making his way to work/the open mic night.


	5. Song

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well! Here we are!   
> I'm going to start working tomorrow so we will see when I can write the next chapter.   
> But I'll leave you with this for now.  
> Hope you like it!

He tried to keep his mind distracted as he made his way to work. 

 

Tried being the keyword. The radio didn’t help, focusing on his driving didn’t help. His mind just continued going back to-(NO! I can’t think about it! It will just get worse if I do!) his eyes started to recognize what they were seeing again and he had to turn the car so he didn’t drive off the road. 

 

(Gotta get myself back together.. I could end up much worse if I don’t do something about it soon…)

 

He made his mind blank and focused on driving. It worked for the next 20 minutes, which was enough time for him to get to work. He at least didn’t die in a horrible accident on his way to work (That would’ve almost been funny… No it wouldn’t be, it would not be fun at all). 

 

One of his coworkers greeted him at the door and he put on his best smile and greeted them back. When he got to the back to change into his work clothes he felt his smile falter.. 

(Ugh this is going to be some long 4 hours before I get to sing… I have to sing… In front of people…)

He was not as excited about this as he was a few hours ago… 

 

 

There were so many customers! When will the orders end?! 

Ermal had a hard time keeping his smile through the 2 hours he has been working by now. 

The customers begun to blend together again, he almost messed up an order because of it.

( **Get yourself back together Ermal!** I don’t have time for messing up now!)

 

"Welcome! Can I take your order?" he said with his politest smile.

 

"Yes! I’ll have a double espresso-" that voice sounded familiar.. "and two ice creams for the kids."

(FUCK! I missed what he said…. Damnit.. Okayokay…) 

Ermal looked up from his notepad and saw the same man that he had slammed a door into… 

(Oh……. Fuck..) he again put on his best work face.

 

"I’m so sorry I couldn’t hear if you wanted something more than a double espresso and ice cream.." Ermal laughed nervously.

 

"It’s okay! There are a lot of people here, it’s understandable." The man smiled and repeated his order.

 

Ermal nodded and made his way to the kitchen. (Why is he so familiar??) 

 

He continued to wonder about the man while he got his order ready. 

 

On his way back he got to actually look at the man and the company he was with..

There were a group of four people there, a beautiful woman with long brown hair, that was tied to the back of her head except for a section near the the front that was hanging loose, beside her was a child with short brown almost black hair who looked bored to be there, there was also anther child this one smaller with longer brown hair and bright brown eyes. 

The man himself had black windswept hair, brown eyes and the brightest smile Ermal has ever seen in his life. 

 

(Was is even possible to look that happy?) Ermal put on his polite smile again as he walked the last meters to their table, put down their order in front of the right people.

"I am again sorry for having you repeat your order again, sir." 

 

The familiar man started quietly laughing. (What the fuck man?!)

 

"It’s alright! You don’t need to apologize for that! It is quite alright." The man smiled his way too bright smile at Ermal. He didn’t know how to react to that smile, it was too bright. He did try his best to politely smile back while he walked away to take another customers order. 

 

Ermal kept glancing towards the table with the familiar mans table, they didn’t leave.. 

Why did they not leave? it was non of his business… But he was still wondering.

 

His hours were coming to an end and Ermal was wishing for death… There were soooo many people there! And more people were coming in because of the open mic night.. 

(Oh yeah… I almost forgot…. I have to sing.. Shit….)

 

He was not mentally ready for this… Music started playing in the building as people started singing for the open mic night. 

 

Most of them were quite bad in Ermal’s ears, person after person walked up on stage and 'preformed' a song. All of them had pre recorded audio and sung over it, everyone in the café loved it. Applauding away as person after person finished their song.

 

After 45 minutes or so, the man from earlier had walked to the mic, holding a guitar (Well this is going to be good.), he sat down on a chair and began tuning the guitar. He had also rolled up his sleeves, probably so that they weren’t in the way.

Ermal now noticed that the guy had tattoos, a lot of tattoos.. (Damn. He’s pretty handsome.) 

 

Ermal was waiting for the man to start when the man started talking in the mic.

 

"Hey, everyone! Have you been having fun?" The crowd, a small crowd, but a crowd nonetheless answered with cheers. 

 

"Good! My name is Fabrizio Mobrici-" he was drowned out by women nearby Ermal screeching in his ears.

(Fabrizio Mobrici…..Fabrizio….I recognize that name from somewhere) 

 

The man, Fabrizio started singing and everything around Ermal seemed to slow down.

 

_Le mie paure_

_Sono carezze mancate_

_Incertezze che tornano a un passo da me_

_evitando i rumori_

_Sono mio padre e i suoi errori_

_Un bersaglio sfiorato_

_Le paure che sento_

_come distanze da un centro._

_Sono l’amore che ho dentro_

_E che non so controllare_

_Il primo giorno di scuola di un piccolo uomo_

_che ha vergogna a parlare_

_Le riflessioni sospese_

_un mattino alle 7_

_Le paure che sento qui dentro di me_

_Sono parole mai dette._

 

Ermal hadn’t heard this song before but he started to remember where he had seen this man before. 

 

_Tu..._

_Tu non mi hai voluto credere_

_Sono anni che ti aspetto_

_E ora non riesco a respirare più..._

_Ora basta devi scegliere_

_Sono anni che ti aspetto._

_Le mie paure_

_Sono un bugiardo che giura_

_Tutte le cose che ho perso_

_Tenendo ugualmente una stretta sicura_

_La prima volta che ho detto:_

_“Ho bisogno di te”_

_Sono quel dubbio che resta nascosto_

_anche quando ho capito perché,_

_perché_

 

Ermal had seen him on tv when he performed on the Sanremo festival! 

 

_Tu..._

_Tu non mi hai voluto credere_

_Sono anni che ti aspetto_

_E ora non riesco a respirare più..._

_Ora basta devi scegliere_

_Sono anni che ti aspetto._

_Ci sono cose che non riesco più a dimenticare_

_Sono le stesse che non ho imparato mai a capire_

_Le convinzioni non saranno sempre uguali_

_Neanche quelle che oggi sembrano normali_

_La differenza fra ogni uomo sta nell’intenzione_

_E ora so che posso scegliere._

_Sono anni che ti aspetto_

_Sono anni che ti aspetto_

_Sono anni che ti aspetto_

_Sono anni che ti aspetto_

_Sono anni che ti aspetto._

 

When Fabrizio finished singing everyone erupted in applause and screams and whistles. It was almost deafening. 

 

Ermal stopped working for a second, or was it a minute? The next thing he knows is that someone grabbed his shoulder. He jumped.

 

"Sorry Ermal!" Maria stood beside him. "Are you ready to sing?"

 

Ermal struggled to find his voice, Fabrizio Moro was in this building… And he was going to listen to Ermal sing…… (Okayokayokayokayokayokayokayokay……..)

 

"Probably as ready as I’ll ever be. I need my guitar though, I’l go get it and sing after this person."

 

"Okay!"

 

Ermal started making his way out of the building towards his car. 

Taking out his keys to unlock the door he felt something wisp against his chin, like the wind was trying to lift his head up. 

 

He looked up to find _the shadow_ standing behind his car.. He froze.. (No! You are NOT REAL!!) 

He forced his legs to move, they felt like they were glued to the ground, he walked one step at a time and every step closer to his car and closer to the shadow made him want to turn around and flee. But he needed his guitar!

 

He finally reached his car after what felt like an eternity, he opened the trunk of the car and took out his guitar case. 

 

_"Hello son!"_ Ermal shut the trunk and locked the car as fast as he could. 

 

He practically ran back into the café.. 

 

"There you are Ermal! Are you okay?" Marias smile faded and was replaced by a worried expression. 

 

"Yeah, I just got spooked by something out there.." (Good JOB ME…..That is the most believable lie I’ve ever heard)

 

Ermal takes the next performance to calm down enough to go up on stage. 

 

When he does he is i **mmediately** hit by nerves! 

 

He sit’s down on the chair provided for him, and takes a shaky breath. 

 

"Good evening everyone. I’m Ermal and I’m going to sing a song for you guys.." 

 

He took a deep breath and began strumming the familiar song.

 

And he sang.

 

_Avere l’impressione di restare sempre al punto di partenza_

_E chiudere la porta per lasciare il mondo fuori dalla stanza_

_Considerare che sei la ragione per cui io vivo_

_Questo è o non è amore?_

_Cercare un equilibrio che svanisce ogni volta che parliamo_

_E fingersi felici di una vita che non è come vogliamo_

_E poi lasciare che la nostalgia passi da sola_

_E prenderti le mani e dirti ancora..._

_Sono solo parole_

_Sono solo parole_

_Sono solo parole, le nostre_

_Sono solo parole_

 

He sang like he had never sung before. Quiet at first..

 

_Sperare che domani arrivi in fretta_

_e che svanisca ogni pensiero_

_Lasciare che lo scorrere del tempo_

_renda tutto un po’ più chiaro_

_Perché la nostra vita in fondo_

_non è nient’altro che_

_Un attimo eterno, un attimo_

_Tra me e te_

_Sono solo parole_

_Sono solo parole, le nostre_

_Sono solo parole_

_Sono solo parole, parole, parole, parole..._

 

But with the song his voice grew stronger and more filled with emotion.

 

E ora penso che il tempo che ho passato con te

_Ha cambiato per sempre ogni parte di me_

_Tu sei stanco di tutto e io non so cosa dire_

_Non troviamo motivo neanche per litigare_

_Siamo troppo distanti, distanti tra noi_

_Ma le sento un po’ mie le paure che hai_

_Vorrei stringerti forte e dirti che non è niente_

_Posso solo ripeterti ancora..._

_Sono solo parole._

_Sono solo parole, le nostre_

_Sono solo parole, le nostre_

_Sono solo parole_

_Sono solo parole, parole, parole, parole_

_Sono solo parole..._

 

He finished singing and it was quiet..

 

(Oh..Okay then… I see how it is..)


	6. Storm

The room exploded in applause, screams and whistles.

 

Ermal was shaken. Were they cheering for him?

 

This was a new feeling. This… How to explain it…. This happiness and pride… He’s never felt this before.

He looked around, seeing the individual faces of the crowd. His eyes kept looking at every face until it fell on Fabrizio’s face and he froze for a second (I had completely forgotten that HE WAS HERE!! Shitshitshitshitshitokayokayokayokay…. Calm down… breathe… in….out…in…out.. Was someone saying something?).

 

"Encore! Encore! Encore!" the crowd was chanting encore…

 

Why?..

 

How?

 

Was this because of his singing?

 

He let himself smile, it felt like his face would break in two because of how wide his smile was.

 

 

Come to think of it, he has never smiled like this before.

 

He regained focus, answering the chanting crowd with tightening the grip on his guitar again and saying.

 

"Thank you all so much! If you want more, then you’ll get more!"

The crowd answered with cheers and whistles.

Ermal placed his fingers over the strings of the guitar, but he looked up before he started playing, he was met with the brightest smile in the room.

It belonged to the famous artist who had sung so beautifully earlier that night.

 

Ermal felt the nervousness start to creep it’s way back into his mind, but he quickly pushed it out, flashed Fabrizio a smile and began playing.

 

He played the intro for the song he has been working on. (I am playing my own music on a stage…)

 

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath… And began singing.

 

_Resta da me_

_c'è un vento gelido,_

_eclettico._

_Parliamo di amore a Amarcord._

_A volte capita_

_la vita che va in mezzo ad un traffico,_

_algebrico._

_Non puoi farci niente,_

_solo attendere un po'._

 

He dared to open his eyes. The few lights in the room was blinding for a second.

Ermal felt like he took up so much space, but he also felt pressed against the wall at the same time.

His voice grew stronger once more.

 

_Gravita con me, gravita con me_

_è l'amore che ci manca._

_Gravita con me, gravita con me_

_perché è l'amore quello che ci salva._

_Questa città ha un ritmo ipnotico,_

_chirurgico._

_Sincronizza con me ogni tuo singolo battito._

_Il tuo viso è di un bello isterico._

 

He couldn’t keep the smile from his face. It almost threatened to ruin his song, but he couldn’t help it.

 

He just felt so free.

 

_Gravita con me, gravita con me_

_è l'amore che ci manca._

_Gravita con me, gravita con me_

_perché è l'amore quello che ci salva._

_Resta qui con me, resta qui perché_

_rendiamo la vita meno cattiva._

_Gravita con me, gravita con me_

_perché è l'amore quello che ci salva._

_Vulnerabile, spesso indistruttibile_

_comprensibile e a volte inaccettabile_

_incorruttibile del tutto affascinabile._

_Sono scuse lo sai._

 

He lost focus on everything for a split second when he saw that bright smile directed at him again. Almost forgetting the words for a split second.

 

But he continued to sing.

 

_Gravita con me, gravita con me_

_è l'amore che ci manca._

_Gravita con me, gravita con me_

_perché è l'amore quello che ci salva._

_Resta qui con me, resta qui perché_

_rendiamo la vita meno cattiva._

_Gravita con me, gravita con me_

_perché è l'amore quello che ci salva._

_Vulnerabile._

_Spesso indistruttibile._

_Comprensibile._

_A volte inaccettabile._

_Incorruttibile._

_Del tutto affascinabile._

 

He stopped singing for a little bit and just played for a little bit.

Then continuing in a slower pace, with a calmer voice.

 

_Sono solo scuse, lo sai._

_Sono solo scuse, lo sa._

_Sono solo scuse, lo sa._

_Non sono solo scuse, lo sai._

_Non sono solo scuse, lo sai._

 

The crowd once again erupted in cheers and whistles.

 

He was breathing a lot. Like he just finished a marathon.

But he was so happy!

 

He stood up, almost loosing his balance, bowed and thanked the crowd. He walked off stage on shaky legs for the next person to sing.

 

"You were shining up there!" Maria told him when he had walked off the stage.

 

"It was fun! I guess I owe you a thank you for pestering me into joining this thing." He answered in a happier tone.

Maria was a little confused for a second, his voice was different after all.

She just shook her head and smiled at him.

 

"You’re welcome!"

 

Ermal felt something tug on his shirt.

 

"Excuse me." He looked behind him, but no one was there. He looked down. There was a little girl there.

 

"Papa wants to talk to you but is being a scaredy cat again and won’t talk to you, so I did it for him!" She was glowing with pride.

 

"Anita!! Anita! Where are you!?" Ermal heard a woman shout over the noise of the stage.

 

Ermal hunched down to match the girls height.

 

"Are you Anita?"

 

"Yes!" She was the proudest girl in the world, right this second.

 

"Is that your mother shouting after you?"

 

Anita stopped and listened for a little bit, then looked Ermal in the eyes and said.

 

"Yes! Let’s go to her!" She grabbed two of Ermals fingers in a surprisingly firm grip and began leading him through the crowd towards the shouting woman.

 

Ermal had to make sure he wasn’t running into a lot of people on the way over towards the woman, but that was hard when you were being lead across the room by a child and still holding a guitar.

 

"Mama! Mama! I found the boy that was singing!" Anita screamed when she found her mother.

 

"Oh! Anita, there you are! Oh.. Hello! I’m so sorry that my daughter dragged you over here!" She picked up the child, who were still holding on to Ermal’s fingers.

 

"It’s alright!" Ermal smiled and gently tried to get his finger loose from the child’s grasp… It did not work..

 

"No, you need to come see my Papa! He wanted to talk to you!!" Anita was persistent.

 

"Anita! Let go of the nice mans hand!" The woman scolded her.

 

Anita seemed determined to not let go of Ermal’s hand.

 

"I can follow you guys, she seems to want me to follow you." Ermal didn’t really want to, but the kid would NOT let go of his hand.

 

"Okay, then." the woman smiled apologetically and started walking back towards their table.

 

Riiiight towards Fabrizio… Ermal felt his breathing quicken a little bit.

(This is fffffffiiiiiineeeee! Just being lead towards a LEGEND…… I’m okay.. I’m okay)

 

They were now 3 meters away from the table and Fabrizio looked up towards Anita, smiled and looked relieved. (Okay, this was NOT OKAY! I- How are you supposed to function??! What do I say??? And Anita?? Said that he wanted to talk to me?????? Why?????????)

 

"There you are Anita! Where did you run off to?" Fabrizio walked up to the little girl.

 

"I got the singing boy you wanted to talk to!" She proudly waved around the hand she had in her grip.

 

"You did what? Oh.." He just now noticed Ermal, who were hiding behind the woman who was carrying Anita.

 

"Hello.." Ermal kept his eyes to the ground.

 

"Hello! Anita you can let go off his hand now." Fabrizio spoke softly to the girl.

 

"Okay.." Anita let go of Ermal’s hand.

 

Ermal closed his hands a few times, his fingers were sore from the girls grip, he then looked up at Fabrizio with a questioning gaze.

 

"Soo, you wanted to talk to me?"


	7. Talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I haven't forgotten about this!   
> So take a slightly longer chapter to make up for me not updating in so long!

Fabrizio looked a little embarrassed (Cute….Brain PLEASE! COULD YOU NOT DO THIS RIGHT NOW!).

"Giada, could you take care of the children for a little bit? I wanna talk to…?"  
"Ermal. My name is Ermal."

"I want to talk to Ermal and it is really noisy in here, you can take Libero and Anita to the car and wait for me there, we are going home after I’m done talking to Ermal. It’s getting late anyway, I won’t be long I promise!" Fabrizio told who Ermal guess is Giada.

She nodded and told Libero(?) that they are heading home, the little boy looked tired, but tried his best to hide it. The little girl Anita has basically fallen asleep in Giada’s arms (How does children do that? It’s not exactly quiet in here) and was gently holding her mother(?) around the neck for support.

Fabrizio motioned to Ermal to follow him outside, they opened the door and Ermal breathed in the cool night air.

No one said anything for a while, the two just stood there. Ermal really tried to keep calm, it was not really working.

(Why would _Fabrizio Moro_ want to talk to me????? Was I that good???? Was I reeeeeaaally bad and he’s gonna tell that to my face??)

The silence continued, Ermal couldn’t take it anymore. He took out a cigarette, lighting it and breathing in the nicotine, letting it calm his nerves.

"You wanted to talk to me?"

Fabrizio breathed out a laugh (Shit).

"You are quite forward aren’t you? Do you have an extra cigarette I can have?"

"What?" That caught Ermal off guard. "Uh, sure. Here."

Fabrizio took the offered cigarette and lighter. He lit the cigarette and then looked Ermal straight in his eyes.

"Why do you work here when you could sing at sold out concerts?"

Ermal froze… What did he say?

"…what do you mean?"

Fabrizio took a drag of the cigarette.

"I mean that you have an amazing voice! A little untrained, but still amazing!"

 

…………………….what? What did he say?

 

(Did he say that I have a good voice?) Ermal didn’t hear what Fabrizio said next. His head was too loud and too confused. What did he _really_ mean by that though?

Did he mean anything?

Was he lying? Ermal knew that he loved music, he knew that he would _love_ to pursue music. But he just _couldn’t_! He can’t leave his mother!   
How will she manage without him??

 

"-mal? ermal? Ermal, hello?" Fabrizio was waving his hand in front of Ermal’s face. Did he really zone out that much?

"Sorry, what were you saying?" (Smooth recovery there..) Ermal took another drag of his cigarette, it didn’t work as well this time.

"I was just saying that you should consider making music as a living! You are really good. Also was that your own song you sang on stage?" Fabrizio continued to mentally punch Ermal with compliments and he couldn’t take it.

How was he supposed to function when your idol says that you sing well and should focus on it as a job??

"Th-thank you…? Yes the song is mine… I’m honored to hear that you like it.." Ermal's nerves had now kicked him hard and it was impossible to keep eye contact with the other man. "But I can’t pursue music now. I don’t think that I would be able to break through in todays crowded market."

"I think you would be able to and I would love to hear more from you in the future!" Fabrizio just kept blowing Ermal’s mind, he couldn’t handle all of the compliments that he was getting.

 

But he couldn’t do it. How would he do it? How would his mother manage without him?

……

 

How would he keep _him_ away?

 

" _You will never get rid of me! I am a part of you._ "

Ermal froze for a second, then brought the almost burned down cigarette to his lips for a final drag. He threw it on the ground and stepped on it to extinguish the remaining embers.

"Are you okay?" Fabrizio looked at him with eyes full of concern. (Why does he look so worried about me? He doesn’t know me? Why would he care??)

"I’m…." Ermal can’t finish the sentence. Why? "I’m…okay…" He tried to give a small smile, but it wouldn’t even fool a child.

"Are you sure? It feels like you yourself doesn’t really believe that." Fabrizio took another drag of his cigarette, then threw it on the ground to put it out.

Ermal was stunned. Did he believe that himself? He doesn’t know.

He was quiet for a while

"I-I…don’t..know…"

Fabrizio leaned against the café wall and were looking up at the stars above, thinking about what he was going to say next.

"It’s hard to know when you’ve lived in the lie for so long isn’t it?"

(……….what?…….what does he mean?….)

Ermal opened his mouth, only to close it seconds later. Not knowing how to put his chaotic yet quiet thoughts into words.

What the other man said made a lot of sense and in a way hit Ermal really hard.

Had he lived a lie? What was the lie?

Finally after a few minutes of silence Ermal asked in a quiet voice.

"How did you know that I was lying?"

It was impossible for Ermal to look at Fabrizio while asking the question.

"I can recognize myself in you." he breathed out another quiet laugh "I don’t know why I’m telling a complete stranger this, but.. I had problems in my youth, I was angry at the world, I was angry at myself and instead of resorting to violence I turned to music for expressing said anger." He paused, thinking while looking at the stars. "I found a way to happiness in.. Let’s say not healthy methods.. And when I was at my worst place, a lot of my friends would ask me if I was okay. I would always answer the same way you just did." He glanced down to Ermal’s face, the other man was still looking down, unable to look at the man talking.

 

Ermal was not ready for that. How could..? Why?

"Why did you tell me that?" Ermal’s voice was strained and shaky.   
"I don’t know, I just feel like you and I are very alike.. And that you probably needed to hear that you aren’t the only one struggling with inner demons."

Ermal suddenly felt lightheaded and had to steady himself on the café’s wall to not fall. (Why?? Why? Why,why,why,why? How can he understand me so well?)

His breathing was shallow and shaky and he was putting more and more weight on the wall than on his feet. 

 

(How are you supposed to react to that? How can he just be so calm and say that?)

 

His mind just wouldn't shut up! 

It was so loud and was constantly shouting. 

So loud.

So confusing.

So scared.

He can't handle it.

He's not gonna make it.

He's not good enough to be worthy of so much praise.

He was a disappointment.

He was powerless.

He...

He...

He was.... nothing....

 

Ermal sunk down to the ground, not being able to hold up his own weight anymore, his hand was buried in his hair and he didn't notice the tears that were running down his face. 

 

He wasn't worth anything.

He wasn't worth the effort.

 

The world was shaking, why was it shaking? 

Why didn't he care? 

_"Ermal"_

(No! You have NO POWER OVER ME!!!!) 

_"Eeermaal"_

(Nononononono... No power!) 

 

"Ermal! Hey, hey Ermal?! Are you okay?? Ermal??" 

 

....

(That's not him.)

 

....

"Ermal! Answer me Ermal!" The world was shaking again.

.....

 

(Who does the voice belong to?) 

 

....

.....

 

Fabrizio has been trying to contact Ermal for a good 5 minutes, when Giada come up to them.

She sees Ermal on the ground and her face switches from a hint of irritation to worry. 

"How is he doi-" "It's bad! I haven't been able to contact him for a while now!" 

That Fabrizio was worried was an understatement. He doesn't know how to react in this situation. 

He's always been the one in Ermal's place, never the other way around.

"You have to keep him warm. And make sure that he stays awake." Giada the angel that she is always knows what to do.

"How can I keep him awake when I can't get his attention?!" Fabrizio had a hard time keeping his cool. 

"Just be calm, I'll go get the blanket from our car. Be there for him! Keep trying to get his attention, but try to not touch him. It can make it worse." Fabrizio's stomach dropped a little, he had been shaking Ermal’s shoulders before... Shit!

 

"Ermal. Can you hear me?" Fabrizio asked in a calm voice while reaching up to try and untangle Ermals hand from his hair. He was very careful when touching the other mans hand. 

Ermal stiffened for a second when Fabrizio touched his hand.

Fabrizio deflated a little.. How could he help in this situation? He thought back to the song Ermal had sung earlier that night. It was one of his songs.

Fabrizio haven't even sung that song himself in a long time...

 

Questo è o non è amore?

 

Cercare un equilibrio che svanisce ogni volta che parliamo

E fingersi felici di una vita che non è come vogliamo

E poi lasciare che la nostalgia passi da sola

E prenderti le mani e dirti ancora...

 

Sono solo parole

Sono solo parole

Sono solo parole, le nostre

Sono solo parole....

 

His mind was finally quiet. 

(Someone is singing...? Where?) 

He was roused from the comforting darkness by the voice that was singing. Where did it come from? 

He opened his eyes and saw asphalt, he saw his feet and he felt his hand pulling his own hair. 

Ermal slowly let go of his hair and the singing stopped. It was replaced by a sigh of relief and the feeling of something being placed on his back.

 

Ermal looked up and saw Fabrizio sitting on the ground next to him... Why was Fabrizio sitting? 

 

"Why are you sitting on the ground?" Ermal’s voice was raw and quiet. He coughed. 

Something wet landed on his hand.... (Am I crying?) He touched his face, it was wet. He was crying. 

.....

.....

Why?

 

Ermal's mind was interrupted by a breathy laugh.

"I'm on the ground because you slid down the wall and sat on the ground. I got worried about you." Fabrizio patted Ermal on his head, running his fingers through his curls. 

 

"You were worried? About me?" Ermal thought out loud.

"Yeah.. I was and to be frank, most people would be worried if someone just broke down in front of you." He answered with a smile. 

"Giada brought you a blanket to try and keep you warm. Did it help?" 

Ermal felt on the weight on his shoulders, it was indeed a blanket. 

"Thank you, it's helping more now than before actually." Ermal gave Giada a small smile. 

She smiled back and put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. 

"Giada will you take the kids and drive home? I'll go with Ermal and make sure he get's home safely." This surprised Ermal quite a lot.

"Nononono, that's not necessary! I can get home by myself." 

"Bullshit." Ermal froze, but he did not say anything more. "You were just unreachable for 10 minutes. You didn't see me, you didn't hear me. I'm not letting you drive a car when it's dark!"

Ermal was taken aback.

Why did Fabrizio care so much? No one except his mother and his siblings cared that much about him..

"Okay. My car is over here" Ermal tried to get up, but he almost lost his balance and fell down again, Fabrizio caught him and they started making their way towards Ermal’s car.

 

(This wasn’t how I thought this evening would end.)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading whatever this is!  
> I have no idea where this idea even came from and I don't know at all how often I'm going to be able to update it.  
> I'm not really good at the writing thing, but I try!


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